Developmental milestones were never my thing. When I think of "first words" or "first sentence" my mind draws a blank. I remember "first steps" because my mom told me I walked at 9 months, so I wanted to make sure I knew when my son did. He ended up walking at 10 months. My second son was a good 13-14 months before he walked, although he is quite the adventurous gymnast now.
My first son walked, but he was fearful of climbing. My second son climbed, but didn't bother walking. Aside from that "important" walking milestone, my second son met his physical and social "milestones" well before my first.
When I write out those annoyingly long surveys of "medical history" I cringe at the developmental milestone blanks because they remain blank. I was of the "just relax, since kids develop at their own pace" mindset.
But you know where that got me.
Yes, doctors frowned their disapproval when I could not write down the exact date my son uttered his first word. It didn't help that he was on all fours meowing like a cat or ignoring them completely.
When it was apparent that the Cat wasn't meeting the "traditional" milestones, I was concerned, but couldn't help being hurt when the doctors and teachers would chime "Why didn't you get him help earlier!?" especially as the red tape piled up such that I had tried to get help many months or years before.
On one hand, I wanted to let my child develop at his own pace.
On the other hand, I saw the panic. Other moms didn't approve of my son's behavior. His preschool teachers didn't approve of his behavior. The doctors said he must be severely disabled and would continue to be, especially since obviously we hadn't done anything yet. (And what is "anything" given that the insurance wouldn't pay for therapy anyway?) I didn't feel comfortable leaving him with babysitters or at something like a generic daycare in a store, gym, or public event.
Now? He is a second grader. He has quirks, but he is a second grader. He plays soccer on a "normal" team where none of the coaches know he has a "diagnosis." He reads at (or above) grade-level. His mathematical abilities are above grade-level. His language, enunciation, and facial expressions are all fine. He is not an ax murderer.
And then my second son. Oh, my second son. He is a social butterfly who believes he is a teenager. Nay, he is taking over the world. He is independent in ways that my first son is definitely not. When the Cat is hesitant, Splig jumps right in to "save" his older brother. "See, I can do it!"
But even my second son hasn't escaped the designation of "developmental delays." In his case, it is his speech. He enjoys his speech classes and doesn't see himself as "different" in any way. Even so, I don't remember many of his "firsts," probably because I was so consumed with trying to get things to work well with the Cat.
I wish I could say that the first time I felt "this is the school!" was when I stepped on the Cat's current campus. Yes, I get happy butterflies when I go there because the teachers have been so supportive, but I was exceptionally excited about the private school that later expelled him, too. When I stepped on that campus, I felt like it was a special community. It turned out that community was singular, just not in a way that meshed with the Cat. That experience hurt more than I can explain, but I am glad that for now we have a happy resolution.
The Cat's current school is excellent. I must hold my breath, though, because this week is "conference week," and with it our first "official" view into how the Cat has been doing in the second grade. We've already gotten the not-so-favorable report from the Spanish teacher, so my heart is tense in my chest.
I hope that filling out forms of developmental milestones is over for us, but if either boy ends up having more severe problems in the future, those blanks will need to be filled. And again, my mind will be empty, and I'll have to give gross estimates, all the while signaling to the evaluator that I must not have been attentive, or didn't care.
And in a way I don't care. Early diagnosis can help sometimes, but it can hurt other times. I am very worried about jumping at each little deviance, and comparisons of "firsts" are just that.
But finally finding a school and extra-curricular activities that mesh with the Cat? It is worth it that it wasn't our "first" try, because so far, it is the "first" time he's really been like a "normal" kid.
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In June I wrote a no-edit stream-of-consciousness post based on a writing prompt from Writing Motherhood, which I subsequently reviewed here at Reviews from the Couch.
The above post was based on another writing-prompt, this time on "First Words and Other Firsts."
I am pleased to announce that YOU can write your own post on this topic and win a copy of Writing Motherhood!
When: RIGHT NOW, September 23
Your Task: Write a post based on the same prompt as i did above (see below for the whole prompt). Put the link to your post in the comment section of this post. I have also cross-posted this on The Karianna Spectrum. A comment on either cross-post (not both) will get you one entry. If you do not have your own blog, feel free to respond to the prompt right in the comments section - that will get you an entry. Lisa Garrigues, the author of Writing Motherhood, will respond to your posts and comments!
The Prompt: First Words and Other Firsts: Open any baby diary and you will find whole pages devoted to firsts: first smile, first words, first friends, first birthday. Why are firsts so significant? Because they represent a beginning. Because they push us beyond what is familiar and comfortable. Because they jolt us out of the numbness or everyday life and bring us back to our primitive selves when we saw a world through a child's eyes. Keeping in mind that first experiences do not end with babyhood, write about a first: the first day of kindergarten, the first day of college, the first grandchild. Or simply begin with the writing start "the first time" and write down the first thing that comes to mind.
What Can You Win? Why, your own copy of Writing Motherhood, of course! Tomorrow, September 24th, I'll pick a winner randomly from the submitted comments.
I look forward to reading your posts, and for virtually hosting Lisa Garrigues!
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Congratulations RebekahC - you've won!
Comments (3)
Darn! I was going to participate in this yesterday, but my reminder didn't hit until this morning. DOH! :(
My first I was going to blog about was when my oldest daughter started kindergarten last month. She never went to daycare or preschool, as I am a stay-at-home mom, so when full day kindergarten was upon us I became a total wreck. I bawled my eyes out for weeks in advance just because I couldn't believe the time had come for my baby girl (she was 2.5 wks away from turning 5 when school started) to leave me. I know it's silly because it was just kindergarten- not college, but it was so bittersweet none the less. I kept seeing her starting kindergarten as the door to her turning 5 and that being the door to her turning 18 and moving away. Wow, big jump there, huh? LOL I know. I know. I couldn't help it though. I'm always an emotional wreck for about a month preceeding her birthday anyways, so topped with the milestone achievement of beginning school it was just too much drama for one little ol' me.
By the time the first day of school actually rolled around I was absolutely terrified to take my daughter and drop her off. It wasn't that I didn't think she was ready. Quite the contrary, I knew she was ready. And it was that readiness that was bugging the crap out of me because that meant she really was growing up and needed me just that tiny bit less than before. I knew she was going to have an absolute blast at school because for the past 2 years it's all we've heard about. All her friends and cousins were in daycare and/or preschool before entering kindergarten, so she'd already watched all of them go and was desperate to get in on the action. Plus being home with me all the time I was able to really work with her on a pre-k level at home, and by the time she started kindergarten she was doing everything the other kindergarten kids were doing and then some. She's even reading at near a first grade level. So, yes, I knew she'd do great.
I told myself I wasn't going to cry when I walked her in. I knew I wouldn't be the only one if I did, but the thought of crying in public, no matter how sentimental the reason, was just too embarassing. And since I knew no one there, I didn't want to start the year off as "that mom who bawled". lol I walked her in, gave her kiss good-bye, and sent her on her way. She did great. Then she realized I was really leaving, and it hit her. She came running back to me and became all clingy. I can't remember kindergarten myself, but I can imagine the mix of emotions my daughter was dealing with, because I was dealing with the same ones on the mommy level. I told her I would walk with her to her class (they'd met initially in the gym so the classes could all walk in together incase some of the littler ones didn't know where to go), and so together we walked- her shuffling her feet, and me feeling a huge knot in my stomach.
Outside her classroom the teacher told all the kids to find the locker with their name on it, and at this my daughter immediately perked up and off she went. It was if the initial totally excited little girl took back over, and she couldn't move away from me fast enough. After she located her locker and put her backpack inside, the teacher told all the kids to go find their seat in their classroom. It was here that I had to say my 'good-bye' again. Amazingly, at this point I had still not shed a single tear since stepping on school grounds. Nearly forgetting to even stop on her way in to the classroom, my daughter made a quick beeline for me. Grabbing a quick hug and tossing an "I love you, mommy!" over her shoulder she was gone. That's when I noticed another class mom begin tearing up as her little one headed off, and that's when my own personal waterworks began. I'd held it together up until that moment, but seeing the other woman's release was just too much for me and simply couldn't help but cry. It was official, my first baby was a big kindergarten girl.
-RebekahC
P.S. Okay, I just have to say that I'm again bawling like a baby just recalling this. Oi, mommy emotions! LOL
Posted by RebekahC | September 24, 2008 7:41 AM
Posted on September 24, 2008 07:41
I meant to post a response to your first before I shared my first, and I got ahead of myself.
I wanted to say....
I think you sound like a wonderful mom. In today's society where everyone is quick to label I think it's hard for mom's (and dad's) to determine sometimes what is really a cause for concern and what isn't. No matter what doctors or specialists say, no one knows our children better than we do. We're the ones that are with them on a daily basis. We're the ones that feed, cloth, play with, and teach them. We are the momma bears and they are our cubs. If we're not going to allow anyone or anything to hurt them, why would we be any less attentive to the general world around them and how they interact? We wouldn't.
Point being, what seems 'not normal' to one is simply not always the case for another. Every child developes at his or her own pace, and it's unfair and unrealistic to expect them to all hit every milestone at exactly the same time. If we spend too much time focusing on the comparisons between one child and another all we're ever going to do is tear down the one child and make ourselves a nervous wreck.
Certainly there are times where obvious differences occur, and in these instances intervention is necessary. But I don't believe that there are nearly as many children out there with developmental issues, delays, attention disorders, etc as the medical field would like us to think.
Kudos to you for loving your kids enough to know when there was something to be concerned about, but for not becoming so blinded by the "everyone has to be exactly the same" mentality.
I'll cross my fingers for you that the conference week goes smoothly, and that both your kiddos continue to enjoy the schools they are in and have no problems therein.
(big hug)
RebekahC
littleminx at cox dot net
Posted by RebekahC | September 24, 2008 7:51 AM
Posted on September 24, 2008 07:51
Hi Karianna, this is Lisa Garrigues, author of Writing Motherhood. Thank you for writing so candidly about the "firsts" of your first and second child. I can see the way societal norms of development do so many of us a disservice. I'm amazed that you grew up knowing how old you were when you first walked, and that you paid attention to the day each of your kids took their first step. As you keep writing, I hope you will continue to explore this notion of firsts from a mother's perspective because you do it so well. You do a great job of communicating the complexity of issues that arise around firsts--not just the joy of accomplishment but also the insecurity of developing at one's own pace. All my best, Lisa
Posted by Lisa Garrigues | September 24, 2008 5:20 PM
Posted on September 24, 2008 17:20