I was one of those first-time parents who stocked up on the parenting books and magazine subscriptions only to quickly become bitter. The preachy tone of the books and the unrealistic up-beat nature of the magazine articles soured my taste, especially when the advice didn't ring true to my particular situation.
But when the Parent Bloggers Network asked me if I wanted to read Mama Rock's Rules, I was game. Sure, Rose Rock happens to be the mother of comedian Chris Rock, but what intrigued me the most about this mother extraordinaire is that she has raised ten children, plus "more than" seventeen foster children have gone through her home. Her house was "the place" to gather and after reading her book, I can see why.
Rose Rock is an educator specializing in preschool and special education. With that kind of training, plus the real-life training of being the mother to so many types of kids, she surely knows what she is talking about. Her co-author Valerie Graham is part of the on-air and production team of The Mom Show with Rose Rock (at WWXM-FM.) She is a mother of three and a grandmother of four, so she's got experience, too!
Mama Rock's Rules: Ten Lessons for Raising a Houseful of Successful Children
The real-life scenarios also showed that the kids weren't perfect. Of course nobody can expect them to be perfect, but some parenting books will imply that such perfection is attainable. In fact, one of her rules deals with failure and how it is a learning experience. Without minor struggles here and there, major struggles cannot be overcome because the kids will give up, feeling incapable. Her section on lying talks about how her kids sometimes had "lies of omission" that in the end didn't hurt anyone because the kids dealt with their mistakes on their own. ("Pick your battles" is another tip: don't punish for every little thing.)
The main truth of the book is that "You are the Parent." Themes such as respect and unconditional love pop up frequently. Clear expectations with clear consequences are key, but while it is important to remain consistent, some unexpected "check-in"s can be beneficial: your daughter says she is at the mall? Show up unexpectedly! Reading Rose Rock's creative solutions to common parenting dilemmas is valuable because typically a situation comes up unexpectedly. In the heat of the moment, it may be difficult for the parents to determine the best course of action. But in reading this book, I've been given the benefit of foresight: I can consider possible solutions before the event arises. Also, with her clear rules, many of the preventative steps have been taken: since consistency is key, the parents' role in maintaining that order is also clearly spelled out.
Rose Rock is a literal "ROCK" with the way she set up her household: she set a good example, maintained appropriate boundaries, and created the proper follow-through. Many of the rules she cites in Mama Rock's Rules are ones we've heard before, but told via anecdotes in a non-condescending way. This makes the book refreshing. It is a good reminder of things that should be common-sense.
One of my favorite sentences in the book is "Lack of structure brings stress and confusion," because this is a theme that shows up repeatedly when discussing methods to help kids on the autistic spectrum. Schedules are a must so that the kids know what is coming up and can be prepared. Meanwhile, this applies to my own need to keep things clean and orderly. Clean surroundings = orderly thoughts, at least for me. Husband and I have laughed about the term "structured choices" because Husband's college used it to justify creating very stringent housing requirements that didn't really allow for "choice" at all, but the truth is that structured choices really are beneficial: a child can still be independent in their decision, but still follows a schedule that ensures that everything gets accomplished that needs to be accomplished.
Many of the events discussed in Mama Rock's Rules pertain to older children such as when children are left home alone, when they independently move from school to a friend's house, and when they are thinking about their future career and sex (not necessarily linked, of course.) Many of the rules also contain things to do when the children are young, but reading about the older-kid scenarios was helpful for me because I am not there yet. It is reassuring to have a plan. Of course, plans and expectations can go astray, but with solid rules, hopefully they won't. Issues such as peer-pressure are just starting to show up in my son's life. Peer influence certainly has: he says "dude" and "awesome" all the time and has picked up an interesting bored-exasperated facial expression.
Yesterday my cousin and I took a walk. She explained that some restaurants in her area had been robbed at gunpoint. She told me that she had no choice but to teach her kids (ages 10, 7, and 3) what to do in the event that they were faced with that situation. At first, I was shocked. I couldn't imagine teaching my 7 and 3 year old about something so scary. And yet, being prepared is everything. Rose Rock explains how to set up an emergency evacuation plan in the case of fire or other natural disaster, and how to explain appropriate behavioral boundaries of adults: a person that is loved and respected in the family might be the one to betray trust.
Another big theme in the book is that of self-esteem versus shame. "The dirtiest word is shame," says Rock. Indeed, I am still haunted by the times I heard kids at the Cat's old school belittled by their parents. Yes, "you are the parent," and the respect that demands is high, but the kids should receive a great deal of respect, too, particularly as it cements-in positive choices and confidence in their abilities to handle difficult situations with grace. I've been writing about this concept quite a lot on The Karianna Spectrum, how kids will either live up to expectations or live "down" to them. Rock also discusses the issue of developing strengths in your children.
Mama Rock's Rules has a whole chapter on reading. If I didn't already love and respect Rose Rock, the inclusion of this chapter certainly seals the deal. As I read, my own fond memories of going to the library with my parents flooded back. Getting my first library card was an honor. Something I hadn't really considered is that difficult subjects can be broached via books. The book can bring up the issue, and then the parent and child can use the book as a springboard for discussion. Of course, make sure you know what the book's take on the issue is; I think my mom will never forget how she inadvertently gave me a book on puberty written by a very conservative Christian who essentially shamed women. I certainly won't! Rock mentions comic books as a great alternative medium as the graphic representation of the words can help cement understanding for shaky readers. Her special education background has certainly taught her the importance of multiple modalities and differing learning styles; or, perhaps it was her experience as a parent that makes her an effective educator.
I could go on and on about how the various rules resonated with me, but I shouldn't reveal more of the Rock wisdom here: purchase Mama Rock's Rules and see for yourself.
This book motivated me. I feel empowered by reading it. The goal is effective parenting, so if I feel confident in my abilities I will naturally rise to the occasion, just as our kids will when they are given solid rules, high expectations, and loving support.
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Mama Rock's Rules: Ten Lessons for Raising a Houseful of Successful Children
* = Kindle: Amazon's Wireless Reading Device
