Admittedly, I usually shy away from books that portray situations which cause “angst” in real life. For example, although I have some “autism” and “Asperger’s” books on my shelf, I haven’t yet read them because I need a “release” from the autistic spectrum disorder stuff that I deal with in trying to figure out how best to approach some of the Cat’s behaviors.

Would I get a knot in my stomach by reading a book that raises the working versus stay-at-home issue? Would I want to experience something in a fictional world that frustrates me in the real world? I’m usually jumping into Cosmo for my reading pleasure or watching Grey’s Anatomy when my "kids-keyboards-and-cleaning" is done for the day: fluff for the soul!

Not surprisingly, I could relate to both mothers in The Other Mother. I understand the concept of being “squeezed” and of trying to balance responsibility and perceived strength with vulnerability and exhaustion. Both women attempt to maintain control, but of course there is no such thing as “winning” because motherhood is innately unpredictable.

What is truly selfish? What is appropriate recognition? What is power?

I struggle with these questions, just as Gross’ protagonists do. I read the book with frequent pangs of identification. Like why do husbands “babysit” their own kids? (What happened to “equal responsibility?”) I can relate to the difference between “telling” the father that something will happen versus “asking” for permission. As mothers are the default parents, their needs come second. This is true regardless of whether the mother is stay-at-home or work-outside-the-home.

I didn’t see this book as a “one lifestyle versus another” public struggle as much as I saw an internal struggle. Both women were portrayed as strong, but in different arenas. Both had their perceptions, and both were trying to do their best. I saw the common themes more than the differences.

Some experiences in the book led me to tears. I cried because it hit too close to home. It is difficult to not have the power, trust, or heart to stick up for one’s choices, and then nearly have a heart-attack of fear and regret when one finally does. I can understand being simultaneously brave and cowardly.

When one protagonist meets up with her childhood best friend who doesn’t have kids, it serves as a reminder that in many ways there is a much bigger division between “a mom” and “not a mom” than amongst different parenting techniques and labels applied to work schedules or whether a nanny is involved. I hate to make the distinction, but it is true that unless someone has experienced parenting, they will not “get it.”

That said, when I am pregnant, I cannot remember not being pregnant, and vice-versa. I do not remember what it was really like to have a newborn. I feel removed from that world, (and not yet introduced to the older-kid world that is also included in The Other Mother.) I remember why things felt a certain way as a parent of a newborn, but I cannot replicate the feeling.

There is an inherent “in the moment” tunnel-vision that each character has in the book, and I find myself having in real-life. I definitely felt painful commiseration with conflicting thoughts and of being trapped in various roles. But the recognition that these thoughts are “common” enough to be portrayed in a work of fiction tells me that I am not alone.

Motherhood will not be what one expects, and the impressions of perceived success or “failure,” will differ to oneself as compared to a stranger’s. I wish we as mothers (and fathers) could “agree to disagree,” but we are so worried about the perceptions others have about our choices that we defend them in ways that inadvertently insults those who made the “opposite” choice. Most importantly, though, it is important to recognize that these choices are not necessarily “opposites.”

The Other Mother is enjoyable, thought-provoking, and definitely an excellent “book club” book because not every woman will read it the same way. It is bound to create lots of heavy discussion and introspection.

Purchase The Other Mother from Amazon.com