Disclaimer right at the start in case there is any confusion: This is not about my husband.
It is Relationships 101, or Communications 101: "Always use 'I' statements." Even bad-asses like Jillian Michaels advocate this communication style.
The idea is to not put the other person on the defensive it seems - and to therefore foster more peaceful, possibly more illuminating discussion, but I've got to be honest: it feels weak.
Sure, someone accusing "YOU are so mean when you steal my underwear!" is more difficult to communicate with than someone who says, "I feel frustrated when you steal my underwear" (or even "I feel frustrated when it appears that my underwear has been stolen." paaaa-siiiiive!) But in the former statement, at least responsibility is assigned, whereas in the latter two examples, it is boo-hoo for the person who got her underwear stolen; she's the only one with the problem.
I've mastered the "I" statement, but instead of creating positive communication, I earned the title of doormat.
Me: "I am frustrated when..." or "I am confused when..." or "I am hurt when..."
The Other: "Well then YOU are too sensitive, so YOU are the one who needs to change."
Automatically, I become the weak victim. After all, "I" am the one with the feelings, whereas anyone else in the discussion can simply leave it. So what?
In the same vein, I'm sure many folks are aware of how men are perceived as "assertive" while women are considered "aggressive" if both exhibit the same behavior. If a woman speaks up, she is an irrational bitch. But if a man speaks up, he is reasonable and confident.
In the past week I've encountered a couple scenarios where I've felt rather blindsided. My intent was positive, but perceived as negative, so I've used the "I" statements to convey respect and to avoid pointing fingers. Meanwhile, I've gotten the "Oh, the pretty little girl has overstepped her boundaries" vibes.
I definitely wish communication were easy!
Comments (1)
I can see how "I" statements could backfire.
Posted by Teresa - Embracing the Spectrum | August 20, 2011 4:36 PM
Posted on August 20, 2011 16:36