I'm glad the days of pregnancy, toddler, and preschool unsolicited advice is behind me. (Why is it that the presence of a baby bump or a young child is a huge sign saying "Yes, Please Insult Me and My Parenting Style!"?) Yes, my grade-school kids certainly aren't perfect, but the public comment level has dropped.
But unfortunately, unsolicited advice will never go away, whether it pertains to kids or not. Conversations can be twisted to become criticism:
Me, expecting a laugh or some sympathy: "Oh, and the neighbor kids started banging on the window around 7am wanting to play and were shocked when I told them I wanted to sleep still!"
Her, wrinkling her nose: "Well, why not? Why were you still asleep?"
Me, surprised at the turn this was taking: "Well, I had work to do until 2am."
Her: "You shouldn't have to work that late at night..."
... and the whole situation becomes not about the neighbor kids' unfortunate timing, but instead about my shortcomings.
One of my "favorite" moments in this vein was back in the 8th grade when our church youth group went on a mission trip. You'd think this would be a place of inspiration and affirmation.
Since we were staying at an orphanage and generally were mucking it up daily with building homes, I didn't bother to shave my legs or dress in couture. Of course I showered, but I wore T-shirts and non-expensive jeans (covering my unshaven legs until they were exposed in the group shower.) The other girls were cruel about my appearance. One evening I cried, and a parent chaperone came over to see what the fuss was.
Me, wiping a tear, exasperated: "They tease me about my appearance. They just told me my hair is uneven in the back!"
Her, looking at me with a shocked expression: "Why it IS slightly uneven! Oh, Kari! Let me get you the number of my hairdresser when we get back..."
There we were, building simple mud homes that I wouldn't have enjoyed living in, and yet the soon-to-be new owners were ecstatic and grateful. What did the adult chaperone think of those people's attire or hairstyle? Did it matter to her, or was she just patting herself on the back because she was doing "charity work?"
I needed to hear her say that my appearance didn't matter, that it was my desire to help others that was beautiful.
But instead I got the number of a chic hairdresser, confirmation that I just wasn't good enough.
Comments (1)
Oh boy, what is wrong with people? Although it does remind me sometimes of conversations with my husband. not that he ends up with advice (well, sometimes) or insults, but more getting completely of the track before I'm like 10 seconds into the point...eergh!
Posted by Nicole | June 20, 2011 10:40 AM
Posted on June 20, 2011 10:40