1: Don't train all summer. But randomly do races like a half-marathon that gives you studly mylar blankets at the end, or a 10k that involves a mountain. But don't run otherwise, unless it is through Central Park in a tutu. Bonus points if you don't get on your stationary bike at all, and if you lift weights a single time, pretty much just to reposition them in the house.
2a: Forget you have a race until the night before. (This, despite picking up your bib and goodie bag mere hours beforehand.)
2b: Drink three bottles of sake for dinner, because you are gonna sleep in tomorrow!
2c: Remember you have a race and can't do anything about 2b, but maybe you should eat something? Set your alarm (you ain't sleeping in after all) while preparing a quick hummus-and-mozzarella-on-tortilla situation that will move through your body way too quickly to do any good for you. Sprinkle on some chia seeds for good measure.
3: Decide you really have to catch up on Real World episodes before you can go to bed. Curse the TiVo for not knowing that you really did want to record Master Chef instead of Big Brother, because the latter is already recorded in the front room.
4: Feel so energized that you want to run right now, but realize that you really need to go to sleep. Instead, watch more television!
5: Have a crazy nightmare that involves a hotel that has no food or heat during a snowstorm. Wake up to discover someone stole all the covers. Alas, you may not go back to bed because the alarm is going off.
6: Eat oatmeal. You don't like oatmeal per se, but one of your friends ate oatmeal before the Tiarathon and ran fast. Now you eat oatmeal before every race.
7: Drink two Sprites. After all, you are dehydrated. Usually you don't want to drink anything before a race to avoid a full bladder.
8: Drive to the race, and immediately get in the massive bathroom line. You are feeling a little ill and start to cough, but otherwise you're good. Or at least you will be, once you get rid of some fiber.
9: Once it is your turn for a stall, vomit your oatmeal all over, including down your front. Use tiny tissue paper squares to attempt to clean up the mess. Totally fail at cleaning up, but at least you are a couple pounds lighter thanks to activity at both ends.
10: Think about crying and driving home. But decide that would be lame. You want a medal, don't you!?
11: Start the race in a fog. Am I really doing this?
12: Get sick again, this time while running. Wipe random fluids on your sleeve.
13: Walk a little bit. After all, you are a ticking time bomb with more oatmeal in your belly. There is no way you can run this whole thing.
14: But then the darn course makes you run. It is a slight downhill with a nice ocean breeze. Darnit. You wanted to have a reason to be slow.
15: Start to run, and never stop. Dream about a portapotty, because now your bladder is about to burst.
16: Wonder why you are able to keep running when you have oatmeal in your pants and snot on your sleeve. Tentatively walk a little through the first aide station to avoid choking on your water and realize it hurts to walk, so you must run.
17: See a portapotty but don't stop because you can't.
18: Acquire a headwind to come and blow hard so that you are essentially running backwards. Invite it to stay for the final two miles of the race.
19: Dream about the bathroom again. Almost There!
20: Cross the finish line! And your time is.... oh wait, you didn't PR. Ha, Ha!
But you came very, very close to your PR. If only it hadn't been for that wind... Yup, must have been that wind.
For sure.
That's the only reason.
Comments (4)
ZOMG.
Posted by Bill | August 21, 2010 12:56 PM
Posted on August 21, 2010 12:56
Dude. You're amazing, to go forward despite all of that!
Posted by Karen Sugarpants | August 21, 2010 1:41 PM
Posted on August 21, 2010 13:41
I really am sorry for laughing my way through this post, but I could totally picture every step. You are a rock star, even covered in snot and oatmeal.
Posted by Julie @ The Mom Slant | August 21, 2010 3:35 PM
Posted on August 21, 2010 15:35
I got my best time ever on a 5K on a course that was titled "The Manmaker" because of its massive quarter mile 45 degree hill (that you only got to run UP, not down). It was a nasty, drizzly, foggy day. I had a cold and was going on maybe 5 hours of sleep.
The race gods work in mysterious ways.
Posted by jaelithe | August 25, 2010 10:29 AM
Posted on August 25, 2010 10:29