Likewise, as I wrote in my little journal during the trip, I purposely omitted anything negative. I only wrote about the exhilarating performances, gorgeous sights, and friendly Australians. I didn't pen my thoughts about being "less popular" than the other dancers, or any snide looks I got from the Dance Director. I didn't document my fear at the large insects (and other creatures) hiding in the youth hostel in Fiji. Nope, all I wrote about were the unreal colors of the water and the interesting cuisine.

--

About two years ago, my dad told me my grandma was very very sick. At that point, she was transferred to a hospice-like care center. When I heard the news, I sent her flowers. I carefully wrote out the card to essentially say "goodbye" but without actually using the word "goodbye." I wanted to tell her how much she means to me, how much she had taught me, and how much I love her. Later, my dad told me that my grandma was thrilled by my note. It was incredibly meaningful to her.

She rebounded, and no longer needed hospice care. Suddenly, my "goodbye" note seemed kind of silly in my eyes, because it turned out not to be my last communication with her. I was glad I hadn't actually used the word "goodbye."

It occurred to me that I had no record of what I told her. Apparently it meant something for her, but what I actually wrote that day is something only my grandma knows.

--

Shortly after that health scare, Grandma went back to the retirement home a town adjacent to where now live. She had rebounded, but then she slowly got sicker again.

I don't mean to sound comical, but each time the call of "it's near!" comes, it turns out that she keeps rebounding, and living. And yet, I know that she's been ready to leave this Earth for awhile.

Well, this afternoon as I prepared to get the kids from school, my mom called to tell me that "this time the time really is near!" We spoke a bit and agreed that it wouldn't be a good idea to bring the boys over. But that meant I couldn't go over, either.

Just as I resigned myself to knowing that the previous time I visited with Grandma would probably be the last, Husband came home unexpectedly, hours before he usually arrives.

I could barely speak through my sudden tears, because his presence meant that I actually had an opportunity to visit my grandma again.Those who believe in a Higher Power would say that it was indeed destiny. I was being given a chance to actually say goodbye face-to-face. And yet I was frightened.

I won't discuss in detail what transpired when I told my grandmother that I love her - because although I tend to document my thoughts fairly well in the virtual world, this is one of those times that I think it is best to just let the memory be a memory. I believe I said the right thing - revealing love rather than a "goodbye," and thanking her for many of the things she did for me as I grew up. I held her hand, and kissed her forehead. I did all that I could think of to do in order to let her feel filled with love, but to not be frightened of passing or hurting us by letting go. I told her she could sleep.

But the exact words I used will be between me and my grandma. And once I've forgotten, only Grandma will know, wherever she may be in spirit. That way I know that I did my best, and that our final time together can remain perfect as a memory.