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March 10, 2006

Paranoia

Yesterday Husband couldn’t find his computer bag. Luckily, his computer hadn’t been in it when he lost it, but a few important files were missing. The bag itself was costly and nice, and it was perplexing as to where he could have left it.

I looked around the house, in the van, and outside near the cars and porch in case he had forgotten to bring it inside.

He finally determined that he must have brought it outside to load into the van, but had forgotten it on the curb at his office on Wednesday evening.

I had a meeting Wednesday night, so had gone to Husband’s office to switch cars with him. He’d take the boys in the van, and I’d take Husband’s car to the rapid transit station.

When we arrived, I took my cell phone and bag and put it in Husband’s car. I then got the kids and locked the van. We went inside. The kids played with Husband’s coworkers and we visited for awhile. Husband went outside to load some of his belongings into the van. When Husband came back inside, I then went outside to load the kids in while Husband got the rest of his belongings.

They drove off and I drove off.

After my meeting, I was waiting at the station platform. Typically, I hold my bag tight to my body and look around fairly frequently. I am cautious that way.

This time, I decided to sit down on a bench. I opened my bag and was getting out a little favor I had received at my meeting. As I opened the favor, a man sprang in front of me, yelling “Yo Kari! Are you coming with me or not?” and touching my hand in a familiar way.

I stared at him. He knew my name. Who was he? He was around my age and well dressed. An old friend? I was silent and stunned. But I couldn’t place his face.

He then jumped up, announced, “Guess not!” and ran into a train.

Now I was scared. I looked in my bag to see if he had grabbed my wallet. I looked at my hand where he had touched me to see if there was any discoloration. I ran the odd monologue through my head and tried to reassure myself that perhaps he had said, “Okay, are you coming with me or not?” Rather than “Yo, Kari!” Okay. YoKari. Okay. YoKari. It could sound alike to someone who doesn’t hear well in the first place and has fluid in her ears from a lingering illness, right?

But still, what was the point of his antics? A bet? To shock me? Or was he hoping to steal something but couldn’t get his hand around anything valuable?

As his train went away and mine approached, I started thinking about how a quick thirty seconds can become a pungent memory. I remembered other times that individuals had approached me in an uncomfortable way. Those people probably don’t remember their actions, particularly if they do it for fun frequently, but their actions leave a lasting impression.

Did that guy know that I was now paranoid about whether he had stolen something from me or put some sort of biological agent on my hand?

As I pondered this, I remembered an encounter I had on a train coming home from school. I saw a man in his late twenties or early thirties in a wheelchair. It appeared that he had cerebral palsy, as his arms were misshapen. I was reading a book. He asked me about the book, and I responded.

We continued to have a pleasant conversation. When my stop was approaching, I told him I had to go. He looked forlorn, and asked me for my name and phone number. “I want you to be my very good friend,” he said.

But I didn’t want to give my name and phone number to a man possibly twice my age. Instead of giving him an honest answer, I wrote down a fake last name and a fictitious phone number.

By the time I got home, I was in tears. I had been nervous about providing personal information to this man, but I didn’t want to tell him “no” because I didn’t want to make him sad. Worse, I realized that he might try to call that number and be crushed when he realized I had lied. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, and yet I realized that by providing a fake name and number, that I was doing just that.

I hope that man has forgotten that incident, but I haven’t. And it has been about eighteen years.

I started wondering about people who steal. Do they realize the impact they have on their victim? They are thinking of the cash they need, or a flashy item they want. My purse was stolen last year, and I remember being fearful that the thief would use my keys to get into my house or steal my car. We changed the locks on our house. But I was most annoyed that I had lost a photograph of my husband when he was five. And that I no longer had my favorite wallet-sized professional photo of the Cat. I was also frustrated to go through having to get a new license, wallet, and medical card. I remember wishing that the thief would have just taken the credit cards and cash, and left the personal items behind. Their memory of my purse and its contents are long gone. They had a shopping spree at Walmart, a dinner at Jack in the Box, and some sundries from 7-Eleven before the credit cards were cut off. But they probably just threw away Husband’s photograph. And they certainly didn’t care that they had hurt me.

I didn’t realize that my thoughts were prophetic.

On a typical preschool day, I turn on my portable navigation system so that the Cat can watch the map and so I can get an estimated time of arrival. This morning, I reached down to retrieve it, and felt empty air. I went to grab my earpiece for my phone so I could call Husband to ask him about it. But the earpiece was gone.

Suddenly, the mystery of where Husband’s bag had gone was becoming clearer.

Rather than just leaving it on the curb where it was later pilfered, it appears that Husband had brought his bag out to the van during his first trip outside. Between the time he got back inside and I brought the kids out, someone must have grabbed the bag, the portable navigation system, and my hands-free device for my cell phone.

It is whiny to be complaining and sad about the loss of a luxury like a navigation system. But to spend so much money on something and no longer have it is a frustrating situation to be in. All day today, I made the mistake of thinking, “Oh, I wonder which way is better to go! Let’s see what the nav system says…” and then realizing I no longer have a nav system.

But what troubles me the most is that pressing “Go Home” gives the thief a guided route to our house. Pursuing the “recent selections” tells the thief where I go and how to get there: preschool, Husband’s office, my brother’s office, my parent’s house, and the hockey rinks. If the thief wants to, he or she knows how to find me.

(A coworker told me that if I get a new system, I should program “home” to be a local public place to generate an ETA rather than my actual home. It is good advice! I might even program in random locations like a karate school, gun store, or some other location that is more intimidating than a preschool or church, or at least to provide many, many locations in there so that the most frequently visited ones aren’t as prominent.)

Realizing this made me particularly wary and paranoid about something that happened yesterday, before I realized the nav system was gone. (It had been stolen Wednesday night, but since I don’t usually use it for local errands, I didn’t notice it was gone yesterday.)

We were getting ready to go to the Cat’s swim lesson. I noticed a car traveling exceptionally slowly down our street. It then turned around, and crept towards the location precisely across the street from us, blocking our neighbor’s driveway. The car sat there for a couple minutes. It then moved forward to the next house and sat.

I was creeped out enough by it to mention it to Husband, who had just called me. I considered taking down the license number in case someone’s home was later burglarized. I paused in front of the car, and then I drove away. A block later, I considered turning back. I wish I had trusted my instincts. I wish I had taken that license number because I am now afraid. Even better would have been if I had noticed a nav system identical to mine in his car – but I didn’t know to be on the lookout for that.

I believe that I had programmed in “home” on the system by marking our location as a memory point. I don’t think I programmed in the exact address. I know that the nav system considered our home to be a street number that it isn’t. So, it would make sense that if a thief were using the nav system to find our house, they would be perplexed when the nav-lady cheerfully announced, “Destination on right!” but displayed an address that didn’t match with the house number. Is that why the guy was creeping along the street? The destination was reached, but the house number didn’t match?

I am simply too paranoid.

After all, if he had been the original thief, he would have recognized the van from where the system had been stolen! He’d then know my home address. But maybe this guy bought the system from the thief. Or is a friend of the thief.

But why would that matter? He could select anyone to rob, so why go after someone that you’ve already stolen from? Unless there is some guy who specifically wants to ruin my life, there is no reason for a thief to specifically track someone using a stolen nav system, right? There are many addresses in the phone book, many preschools, many ice rinks.

My hope is that whoever stole it programmed in their own stuff and/or erased everything to then resell it to someone.

But I remain paranoid. And frustrated. And angry.

Meanwhile, the thief is probably enjoying some drugs from the proceeds of the sale of something that didn’t belong to him. Or maybe it is a woman that is now exceptionally happy to have a navigation system like her rich friends. But whoever he or she is, you can bet that they don’t give a damn that I am sitting in my house afraid that something might happen to me or my family, and sad that something I enjoyed has been taken from me.

The real relief of all this, however, is that I had made a conscious decision to move my bag and cell phone into Husband’s car Wednesday night. I remember specifically thinking, “I should put my stuff in there now, rather than accidentally leaving it in the van.”

If I had left my bag in there, there is no doubt it would have been taken.

That would have meant another round of “replace the credit cards, driver’s license, medical cards, etc” that I am still angry about from last year. It would have meant my iPod and iTalk would have been gone. My leather tote, plus the purse inside would have been gone. Some papers that I am supposed to give to the Cat’s physician would have been gone (and revealing medical information about my son to the thief.)

I am absolutely relieved that my bag was not stolen. One lucky decision, and it wasn’t.

Husband is lucky is computer wasn’t in his computer bag. I still haven’t figured out why he would have loaded his bag in the van without the computer, but it was a lucky decision.

So even though some stuff got stolen, it could have been much, much worse. I am sad that someone bad entered our van. It is a yucky, violating feeling. But I imagine it was quick and with an eye towards a quick buck.

A coworker told me, “The world hasn’t changed.” And she is right. Just because something unfortunate happened (and for some odd reason, is coincidentally at the same time that a stranger on the train freaked me out and some random guy on the street drove slowly throughout my neighborhood) doesn’t mean that I am automatically less safe than last week, even though it feels that way.

Wanna know the kicker?

Husband’s grandpa died yesterday.

So while I am being a paranoid pansy, sad about the loss of a frivolous navigation system, Husband has lost a family member.

I am sorry, Husband.

I didn’t know what to say last night when you told me the news.

I don’t know what I can do today when all I’ve been doing is babbling about how I am freaked out that someone is going to follow me around using my stolen navigation system to place me.

But if you need me, I am here.

Posted by karianna at March 10, 2006 03:42 PM

Comments

Posted by: Jen R. at March 15, 2006 03:45 PM

Posted by: Julie at March 15, 2006 06:39 PM