I thought about rushing a Sorority in college, but the people I met at Rush absolutely ignored me. I clearly didn't fit in. (Why? I wish I knew!) Fortunately, one of my upperclassman advisors brought me to the Rush for his co-ed Fraternity and I felt right at home there. That is the Society for which I had a Convention weekend before last. These people welcomed me warmly and I felt comfortable.

But sometimes I daydream about if things had been different. I wonder if what would have happened had I made cheerleader, or made a friend in a Sorority. Would I feel more comfortable around other women than I do now? Or would I just have felt uncomfortable because I am not a girly-girl?

What is the allure? Why would I even want to become something with which I am not comfortable?

I guess it is because the more exclusive something is, the more attractive it becomes. Those blonde convertible-driving Sorority cheerleaders seem perfect. I know their lives probably aren’t, but from the surface everything seems fantastic. It appears that many of them grew up to be the mothers at my son’s preschool. I feel the same disconnect with them than I did with the “popular kids” back in school.

When I look at pictures of my college-self during Society cocktail parties, I look the part. I am attractive with long blonde hair and a hot body. Alas, I went to college during the grunge days, so my everyday attire wasn’t flattering to the body that I wish I still had. When I didn’t make cheerleader, I started playing hockey. When I wasn’t dressed up for a special event, I was pretty androgynous.

But appearances only get you so far. I wonder what it is that makes one comfortable with the physical contact and open glee. I’ve always been more “serious” and less “frivolous.” But I have wanted to dabble in the fluffy. I read silly magazines like Cosmo, Glamour, and Lucky. I watch TV shows like Laguna Beach, the Real World, and O.C. But when approached in a touchy-feely way, I back off. It is uncomfortable to me. And yet at the same time, I want to be part of the fold.

Perhaps it is because while I was growing up, I thought I had to be serious to get a good job and earn good money. But now that I am a SAHM, that means to an end no longer exists. I’ve gotten my degrees. I have a resume. But I change diapers instead. So already, I am questioning my identity, so why not question my social stance as well?

I don’t grapple with these questions in a heavy way very frequently. They don’t keep me up at night. I just think about it rather superficially as I watch my guilty pleasures, or observe kids at my alma maters. I do interviews for both my high school and college alma maters, and it is frequently surreal to remember myself in their shoes.

Last weekend’s trip back to college of course stirred up many memories, and this week I am doing interviews for prospective students. Then since I am on the Board of Trustees for my high school, I am frequently out there on campus and will be doing interviews for them in a couple weeks.

For the most part, I do live in the present. But since I have heavy involvement to aspects of my past, I can’t help but reminisce sometimes, especially when it correlates to something someone has already written, like Mother Goosemouse’s musings.

UPDATE: I did some more thinking about this. There are definitely people that I enjoy embracing, and not just family members. People who I feel comfortable with in conversation can be people I am comfortable with greeting in a physical way.

One of my highlights of BlogHer was getting a hug from JenB. It was wonderful and comfortable to me because I felt as though I knew her through her writings. There are several other people about whom I would feel the same way, just based on our online friendships.

Of course, we get to know each other more quickly online than we would in person, so it makes sense that this comfort level would exist, but it is funny nonetheless since there are many "in person" friends who I enjoy as talking buddies but wouldn't necessarily want to be locked in a hug with!