I meant to do lots of research about this decision, but my fear paralyzed me such that I didn’t until today.

As I read the information, it appears that to vaccinate Spliggle the way I would want to, I would have to remove him from preschool. “Philosophical / Personal” exemption requires an all or none approach in that all vaccines must be shunned, not just certain ones. So I couldn’t tell the preschool director “here is proof of the varicella vaccine, but under personal exemption, I can’t provide proof of the DTaP until 6 months from now and I refuse to give him MMR.”

"My way" would be a single shot every 6 months, but eliminating some shots all together (like MMR; possibly get each as a separate vaccine, but maybe not.) But even that plan has its pitfalls, as many sources have said that repeated injections actually create more problems than the overload problem. And although many vaccines are now made with only trace amounts of mercury or thimerosal, many health providers still have the full-mercury amounts and are likely using them up before a new law goes into effect in CA where the vaccines must be mercury-free.

Both “sides” have their guilt trips. If you vaccinate, you are putting your child in jeopardy for neurological injury. If you don’t vaccinate, you are being selfish by not contributing to herd immunity (and what if your child contracts an illness and dies from something for which you refused to vaccinate!)

I do not know who to believe.

Since I used to do scientific research, I understand the fallibility. I understand the pressure from pharmaceutical companies (or in this case, the vaccine companies who are pretty much the same people.) One of the reasons I left my field was because of dishonesty: suppressing data that goes against one’s sponsor, encouraging data that is favorable for the sake of a “clear cut picture.” Even without overt dishonesty, the truth is that every experiment has confounds. Even someone with the best intentions might get a faulty result. Replication is sometimes difficult, especially because seemingly irrelevant variables end up being the key to a particular finding. Egos get in the way, and funding guidelines frequently dictate an investigator’s direction.

Unfortunately, this means that even if I were to read all of the original study papers regarding the composition and spacing of vaccines, I would still not be convinced that what I was reading was true. And even if all the conflicting studies were true in their own way (different results because of the mind-blowing number of variables involved,) I can’t create an empirical chart that says “if you don’t vaccinate, your child will have X percentage of developing thus-and-such disease, versus a Y percentage of developing neurological difficulties” and so forth.

I can’t weigh the variables, it makes my head explode.

Viral overload. Autism. Mercury Poisoning. Site infection. Contraction of the disease: through the vaccine or because we didn’t vaccinate. Herd immunity. Home schooling. Isolation. Being bullied into doing something. Interpretation of the laws. I don’t know what to make of it all.

I cried after the Cat got his first MMR because I was afraid of all the "rumors." I ultimately decided that being immune to horrible diseases would be worth the risk that maybe some sort of neurological damage would occur. (Plus, the doctor had told me it was ridiculous to fear the vaccines.) Still, I was anxious.

Were my suspicions confirmed, or was it just a coincidence?

This time around, I am even more nervous because of the Cat's situation and the additional reading I have done.

If I vaccinate and Spliggle ends up having similar or worse problems than the Cat, I will forever wonder if it was “my fault” for giving into the pressure to have him vaccinated.

If I don’t vaccinate, then I will be fearful that he will contract one of the diseases that could have been prevented. For example, if we have an earthquake here in CA and we are all huddled together in shelters where disease can spread quickly, Spliggle would be at risk.

And the “compromise” of vaccinating slowly has its own risks: what if instead of assisting with viral overload, it causes immunosuppression? Without an official exemption from the vaccination requirements, he couldn’t go to preschool anymore (nor could he attend public school.) I do not want to homeschool.

I want my little guy to be okay.

The scare tactics on both sides have done their job: I am frightened, but I don’t have a decision.